FYI: I will never publish an author's name with an example of writing--no matter how good a piece of writing is, no matter how one may need to improve. In either case, identifying the author puts undo pressure on him/her. The point is not who wrote the example used; the point is what was written and how it was written.
Exemplification is critically important because almost every essay in 1101 or 1102 will require specific examples to support the thesis statement. Each example must be detailed, which requires elaboration or explanation and requires a direct connection to the main idea.
The following example focuses on accusation and contains generalizations that could be supported with specific detail, but was not:
Even after all the progress made, the twenty-first century woman still has to deal with job denials because she is a female. A woman or teenage girl has a hard time finding a job because many employers feel as though a female can be forced to quit for many reasons. A female loses job opportunities just because she is able to have children.
Why this doesn't work: The first sentence is a broad statement, an accusation that needs to be followed by specific supporting examples, but the follow up sentences simply says that “a female can be forced to quit for many reasons” and the only specific is that a woman who is able to bear children may lose a “job opportunity.” If you suggest there are “many reasons” then give them and make them accurate and specific. Refer to examples from people you know or from historical examples. You need not do research, but you DO need to do more with generalizations, and you need to fully explain the examples you choose, especially in dispelling or disproving stereotypes.
The following example succeeds in providing adequate explanation and proves an effective point:
While it is not viewed as less politically correct to openly state that one believes women have certain roles in society and should not ventures away from them, the message that it is acceptable to treat women with inferiority is still finding its way into modern society. A prime example is the recent, critically acclaimed book series Twilight. In these books, the vampire, Edward Cullen, seems to embody the idealistic boyfriend. The readers of this saga seem to place Edward on a pedestal, even though he possesses very dangerous characteristics. The main character and narrator, Bella, falls in love with Edward even though he is the main source of her abuse throughout the series. He shows extreme possessiveness. He takes actions such as removing Bella’s engine from her car to keep her from visiting her friend, Jacob. He even plays the role one might find of man in a relationship with a woman who has Battered Wife Syndrome—he will treat her with extreme emotional neglect at times (leaving her alone and removing himself from her life completely) and in later passages will apologize and state how much he loves her and does not want to lose her. These patterns and characteristics match up with that of men who take on the “traditional” role of men in relationships—who belive they know what is best in any given situation and who believe any woman in a relationship with them should submit to what they say and be available at their request and convenience.
WHY THIS PARAGRAPH WORKS: The topic sentence is strong and explains what the reader can anticipate—and the writer follows through. The writer use an example that most readers could identify with, but takes into account that some readers may be unfamiliar with the characters and so identifies who Edward and Bella are before launching into a full explanation of the example. The write says that Edward “shows extreme possessiveness” and goes on to give an example to support this statement. The writer further explains the emotional abuse inflicted on Bella.
Another example that works:
Hard work and perseverance are the building blocks of America. We would be nowhere if our founding fathers had a laissez-faire attitude and lazy work ethic. My friend Ken owns his own business and struggles monthly to stay afloat financially. Amazingly he keeps at it and works just so that he can pay his bills in these hard times. Over the last decade, the government has made it easy for people to survive without having to work for a living, because welfare pays for all of the their necessities. Our county as not founded on the principle of welfare, though it was founded on hard work. Ken doesn’t get a welfare check or file bankruptcy because times are hard right now. He uses savings and liquidates assets to so that he can keep the business that he created, and loves, afloat. He has taught me over the years that no matter what happens, to work hard and you will persevere. Our county would be stronger if we had more hard working people like him. Ken’s hard work and unwavering commitment to what he has makes him a positive example of an American.
If you want to make an “A” you must write well and develop your ideas. It MUST be a successful combination.
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